Sibling’s comparison/ Parenting 1o1 series
At one time in life, I believe you or someone you can relate with has had, the chance and the opportunity to hear a parent, a relative or a cross family friend, having to compare one child to another within the family. And due, lack of a better word, if ‘fortunate enough’, to a majority of individuals, starting with you as person, or one of your inner circle of friends, have, in one way or another you have been a victim or victimized someone with or without the knowledge of what they are doing .
Sibling’s comparison is the act of evaluating, or referring to one child’s ability to do, or engage in something, inference to another. Quite often, we see this practice going on within our most immediate families, perpetuated to and by our crosses kin.
More often, these comparisons are done, based on ones’ strengths, interest, dislikes, socializing capabilities or challenges endured growing up, or even based on ones ’environs and social status. Primarily, this comparison is aimed to act as a motivating factor and to provide parental guardianship and advice, to ones’ child in order to strive and be successful as the other or a friend.
When we speak about sibling comparison, at time, it’s not entirely about the child or the children with an issue but also the parent. Whereas, the parent tends to always find fault in one child, and will be quick to compare to another. For instance, a parent might ask anger and annoyed, “why can’t you attentive in school, like your brother, can you look the kind of grades you’re bring home?...All you are capable of is fooling around doing nothing constructive with your life…. Its’ better I would have given birth to a stool I would be sitting on it.”
In the above scenario its’ clear what one child is compared to, a stool and secondly to the brother who ironically performs better in school work .Such comparison, can widen rift between the two brother, promoting rivalry and communication breakdown between the two, yet the parent’s intention was to use the brother as a case study, motivating the other to do better in one part and comes as an abuse to at the end whereby she equate the to the boy to a stool.
As clearly, stated on a previous parental article here, the nature of the parenting style and relationship involved or used on the parents’ up-bring process it has an 80/20 chance to influence on what kind of a parent one will be to his or her child in the long run.
If by chance, one was ever raised in an authoritative parental setup, it’s more likely to be authoritative also, since such traits were in in-grained and embedded from an early age. Therefore, its’ advisable as a parent or guardian to have a deep internal self-reflection to the kind of life you grew up in and then ask yourself, “Is this the kind of lifestyle I want to raise my child in?”.
Depending on what your answer to this question would be, its’ wise to remember, your parenting style are more likely to be inclined to how you as a parent were raised. As the old saying goes, an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Yet this doesn’t need hold you back from improving and been a better than yours were.
If comparing, one’s child ability is what you, or your parent happens to be doing or are a costumed to or in other case you or your parent was or is a perfectionist, always wanting everything to be done in a certain way or according to his or her preference, as parent you will be inclined to expect the same from your child.
Hence, you will constantly keep comparing either of the children against each other, rather than appreciating each child’s uniqueness, point of view and way doing things. Remember not ever one deserves to know or even endure whatever you went through .If possible try to provide a better and conducive environment, to nature, empower, encourage and motivate by promoting positivity, love ,care and understanding to this little one.
Sibling comparing, will not do any good than bad if its’ aimed to belittle, a shame and discourage anyone, not matter how good the reason could be. Remember, in each and every individual there is a gift and a talent that needs, to be nurtured and brought out to benefit the host and to be pass or taught to the entire world.
Therefore, comparing and un-iformizing, ones abilities, gifts is one to many reason why certain people across the globe have lived and live in and work in certain careers their don’t love and would do anything within their God-given power to change that. Since, all that they did was, to please and prove themselves to others, forgetting to live up to their dreams and aspiration and not to someone else’s standard and expectation.
Hence, as a parent or guardian, one entrusted with the duties and responsibilities to oversee that your child grows and is taken well care of, where appropriate, let not entirely compare and influence what a child does or undertakes as a talent, career based on our own fears or driving our own dream, desires and aspiration in live to them, rather, to support them in their endeavor, as they try to figure out what their purpose and calling is.
Since, what one child is gifted or talented in the other is more not, and if we are to measure ones success based on someone’s standard, then we have failed. Let embrace our universal uniqueness and learn to appreciate and improve each other without discrimination be it in ideology, race, color, status, nationality or age. And if there is the need to compare each other, let it be as benchmark to help learn how to navigate and progress forward entirely and in accordance to one’s uniqueness, point of view and way of doing things
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